The way we Nigerians say 'I'm coming' and disappear for 3 hours

I was in my office yesterday preparing for a counseling session when my wife called to say she was coming to bring me lunch. She said 'I'm coming' at exactly 1pm. By 2:30pm I had finished two chapters of my Bible, called her three times, and started wondering if she had been translated like Enoch. When she finally walked in at 3pm she said 'I said I'm coming na, you know how traffic is.'

That is when it hit me. We Nigerians have a completely different definition of 'I'm coming.' In the dictionary it means arriving soon. In Nigeria it means 'I have acknowledged your request and will grace you with my presence somewhere between now and the second coming of Christ.' My friend told me his girlfriend said 'I'm coming' in 2019. The relationship ended in 2022. She never came. I think she is still coming.

Our people say 'the goat that says it is coming will eventually arrive, but the one that is silent has already gone.' Nwanne, I have learned to translate properly. When a Nigerian says 'I'm coming' it means 'multiply your waiting time by four and bring something to read.' The only people who actually come when they say they are coming are children who want money and market women who see you holding change.