I Am Japa-ing Next Month. My Mother Cries Every Night. I Feel Nothing.

I am 31 years old, first son of my mother, only child of my father who died when I was 12. I have been the one carrying this family since I finished NYSC in 2017. My mother, my two younger sisters, my father's younger brother who lives with us because he has no job , all of them depend on me.

I work as a mid-level accountant for a construction company in Kano. Salary is 180,000 naira. After rent and transport, I am left with maybe 70,000 to feed five people. Every month I borrow from one person to pay another. My mother thinks I am doing well because I always bring food home. She does not know I have not bought new clothes for myself in two years.

Last year, my friend who japaed to Canada in 2022 called me. He said the same thing everyone says , come here, work two jobs, send money back. I applied for a master's program I cannot afford. I got admission. I borrowed from three different loan apps to pay the first deposit. Omo, the interest alone is enough to finish a man.

Now the visa is almost ready. My mother has started crying every night. She says who will take care of them. She says I am abandoning my sisters. She says my father's spirit will not rest. But here is the thing I cannot tell anyone , I am relieved. I am tired of being the one everyone calls when there is no money. I am tired of being the ATM that never runs out but is always empty inside.

I love my family. But I have been dying slowly for years. Maybe in Canada I will finally breathe. Or maybe I will just be a different kind of broke in a colder place. Either way, the plane ticket is already bought. I am not looking back.