The way Nigerian parents calculate your age for marriage purposes

My mother called me yesterday. She say, 'Kola, you are 28 years old now, when are you bringing a wife?' I tell her, 'Mummy, I am 25.' She say, 'In this Nigeria, we add 3 years for the stress you have caused me.'

I dey tell you, my mother has been adding years to my age since I was 18. By her calculation, I should be married with 4 children and a house in Lekki by now. Meanwhile, I still dey calculate how to clear my container from Apapa.

Nigerian parents have their own mathematics. They use the 'village calendar' where 1 year equals 9 months, and they add 'stress tax' for every time you disappointed them. My father told me last week that I am 'wasting my youth.' I am 25. What youth exactly? The youth wey I dey use to hustle?